11th December 1999 (6:20am): I am born, weighing in at 6lbs 9ozs thus ruining Mum's boast of only giving birth at civilised times of day.
11th December (8am): Mum accuses the two midwives in attendance of being thrown out of the Gestapo for cruelty.
11th December (10am): I show my first signs of curiosity about the world. This involves repeatedly trying to raise my head to get a quick look whilst perched on Mum's shoulder. As far as I am concerned, being less than four hours old is not an issue. Mum, however, panics and keeps shouting "Stop that! You're not old enough!" much to Dad's amusement. What exactly is the problem here?
11th December (1:30pm): Mum, Dad and I return home. Mum is suffering from shock at having to feed four times in the previous 7 hours. Is this a foretaste of things to come?
12th December (2:30pm): Yes!
12th December (6pm): I establish my claim as TOTAFP Baby when I am given an lspace.org address as a birthday present by Uncle Leo, Uncle Mike, Uncle Rob and Uncle Colm aka The Cabal (TINC)
13th December: Mum receives a rather early visit from the Breast Fairy and now begins to do a very good imitation of a weeble every time she attempts to lie on her side. Dad nicknames the twin gifts "SuperBoob" and "Premium". Mum briefly worries about drowning me with "SuperBoob" but, frankly, this is my idea of Heaven.
18th December: I finally decide to catch the odd nap between 12am and 8am. The parents seem rather relieved. Can't figure out why. This sleeping is severely cutting into my eating time.
19th December: I make my first executive decision. The only place to sleep for more than ten minutes is in bed with Mum. Mum refuses.
20th December: Dad perfects his ability to sleep through everything short of World War III.
21st December: Mum capitulates but considers appealing to the Geneva Convention on the grounds that sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
23rd December: Mum and Dad notice that I'm making a peculiar "neighing" sound just before I wake. This leads to me being given the humiliating nickname of "My Little Pony".
29th December: I finally reward Mum and Dad by giving them my first smile. This seems to please them immensely. Must remember that...